2004 Republican National Convention Schedule

6:00pm - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30pm - Pledge of Allegiance
6:35pm - Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45pm - Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46pm - Seminar #1: Iraq Strategeries? Voodoo/DooDoo WMD
7:30pm - First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35pm - Serve Freedom Fries
7:40pm - EPA Address #1: Mercury? It's what's for dinner!
8:00pm - Vote on which country to invade next
8:10pm - Call EMT's to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15pm - John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your Children!!
8:30pm - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN ONLY)
8:50pm - Seminar #2 Corporations: The Government of the Future
9:00pm - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05pm - Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10pm - EPA Address #2 Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires
9:30pm - Break for secret meetings
10:00pm - Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15pm - Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30pm - Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35pm - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40pm - John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45pm - Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
10:46pm - Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50pm - Seminar #3 Education: A Drain on our Nation's Economy
11:10pm - Hillary Clinton Piñata
11:20pm - Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult
11:30pm - Call to EMT's to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35pm - Blame Clinton
11:40pm - Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50pm - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00pm - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord